(It’s Monday morning at the local Sandusky, Ohio, Chili’s in Industrial Park. The staff is getting prepared for another day of banality, OR ARE THEY? Let’s see what unfurls…)
Brianne the Waitress: Mondays, Mondays, Mondays ya know?
Jack, the Manager: What about them?
Brianne: They really aren’t my favorite! I mean I could just do away with them altogether!
Jack: Yeah, I guess. Are we all ready for this morning’s prep meeting?
Brianne: Considering the circumstances, I’d think you’d say the same. Especially this Monday.
Jack: I’m not sure I understand…did something happen?
Brianne: The welts on my ass should be evidence enough of what happened.
Jack: Excuse me?!
Brianne: Oh, I get it - you don’t remember. I guess that does make sense. You had so much peyote inside your skull you probably think it’s 1954.
Jack: Brianne, what happened? I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Brianne: Well, last night, the staff looked at the calendar and realized today was a special day for Chili’s. And we decided to do some prep of our own!
Jack: What in God’s name did you prepare for? What does this have to do with your behind?
Brianne: Everything you pathetic and miserable prick. IT’S NO LYING DAY!
Jack: What? What in heckfire is that?
Brianne: I swear to God, I’ve had a lot of bosses, but you are the most hopeless piece of shit I’ve ever met.
Jack: BRIANNE! THAT IS NO WAY TO TALK TO YOUR SUPERIOR!
Brianne: Save it jackass - it doesn’t really matter if you’re offended, I don’t give a shit - actually, my life would be a lot better if you drove your 1992 Toyota Tercel into a fucking wall.
Jack: Brianne! I…I thought we were friends!
Brianne: Hahahaha Tom, get over here, you gotta hear this!
Tom: Damn it Brianne, what is it? I was in the middle of finger banging the cook out back!
Jack: WHAT IN GOD’S NAME IS GOING ON AROUND HERE?!
Brianne: Don’t worry, I bet you could stick some baby back ribs in her and she’d still think it was you.
Tom: Touche, madame - I’ll be right back!
(Horrible slurping and sopping noises in the background)
Tom: Alright, what’s the commotion?
Brianne: This dipshit thinks we’re his friends! Hahaha
Jack: Is it really that hard to believe?!
Tom: It is when your boss is someone who jacks it to the director’s commentary on the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman DVDs!
Brianne: Oh Jackie, say it isn’t so! That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. People who drowned on the Titanic probably wouldn’t switch lives with you.
Jack: You people are terrible. I’m writing to HR about this…if I wasn’t so shortstaffed today I’d fire you right now!
Tom: Look at the little bitch crying - watch out Brianne, he might need your tampons!
Jack: JUST SHUT UP!
Brianne: Oh we will shut up - just not today, not by a LONG SHOT you mongoose raping fuck - today we’re going to say everything we’ve ever had on our minds about you and this shithole of a chain restaurant.
Jack: WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT!?
Tom: For a “manager” you don’t seem to understand anything. It’s NO LYING DAY stupid.
Jack: WHAT THE HECK IS THAT!? I’VE NEVER HEARD ABOUT IT AND I’M THE BOSS!
Brianne: For the purpose of you shutting the fuck up I’ll tell you. HR is bye-bye big boy - we sent them on a “Employee Morale Conference” up in Lake Erie.
Jack: But…but that doesn’t even exist.
Tom: Wow, you finally say something that moves the conversation along.
Jack: Where are they?!
Brianne: It is No Lying Day so I guess I’ll tell you. They’re being smuggled into Canada and being taken as hostages by terrorists.
Jack: What?!
Brianne: I found them on Craigslist or whatever…the point is, HR is effectively extinct from our domain today. So we can say and do whatever the fuck we want!
Jack: They might be dead for all you know!
Tom: And?
Brianne: Precisely, who gives a shit?
Jack: That’s it - where’s the phone - I’m calling the police and putting you scoundrels where you belong! IN THE SLAMMER!
Tom: I wouldn’t do that if I were you.
Jack: And why not?
Brianne: Because last night we forced you to ingest 1,000 milligrams of peyote and you not only ate every piece of silverware we have, you also changed the security cameras to record only episodes of Quantum Leap, you clogged all the toilets with vomit, filled the dumpster with bacon grease and set it aflame, and….am I missing anything Tom?
Tom: Oh yeah, you also sewed the two busboys together by their hands and locked them in the freezer. We would have stopped you but you were wielding a makeshift Molotov made of Everclear and cheesecloth. They’re probably dead by now.
Jack: …..(shuttering)
Tom: Frankly, I’m astounded you made it into work - by my math, your brain should have melted sometime this morning.
Brianne: Tom, that only works on people who have a fucking brain to begin with - we’re dealing with a mongoloid here. Look at him! He’s stunned!!
Jack: This…this can’t…be happening…I’m a good person…
Brianne: Go take a look in the freezer and see what a good person you are you sick demented cock.
Jack: But…you were…you gave…me mescaline?
Tom: I think we need to get him in his office so he can think things over. Meanwhile, we’ll take over the customers for today - there’s already a few humps lining up outside.
Brianne: Sure, go ahead and bring him in the back…I’ll let everyone in.
(Tom consoles Jack by pulling his pants down and shoving him into the janitor’s closet.
The doors open and Chili’s is about to serve its first customers…)
Brianne: Hi there folks! I’m Brianne, what can I get you?
Dad: You know what kids, have ANYTHING you want! The sky is the limit!
Mom: Or should you say the FUN is the limit!
Kids: Hehehehe thanks Mom and Dad!
Brianne: Fucking blow me.
Dad: Excuse me?
(Kids begin to cry)
Brianne: You heard me shit lips - now what the fuck do you want?
Mom: Um, wow, we don’t have to take this, the customer is always right!
Brianne: Chances are the customer is usually a Grade-A cunt as well. Am I getting warmer?
Dad: YOU CAN’T SPEAK TO MY WIFE LIKE THAT! HOW DARE YOU!
Brianne: Listen, are you going to order something or am I going to have to choke a kid?
Kids: Just order Mommy! Please! Make the mean lady go away!!!
Dad: I swear to God, if you don’t stop this, I am going to speak to your manager!
Brianne: That probably won’t do any good - he trained our customer service methods so he’ll probably just say what I said to you and fart on your wife. Besides, he’s not well right now. How about this, I’ll bring you out some slop, and you and your piggish kids can put their faces in it, free of charge.
Mom: Free?
Brianne: Jesus, the way your face just lit up I’d think we just got to second base. Yes, free. I don’t give a shit if this place makes any money - I steal tips from the boss anyway. So, four Gin and Tonics and some burgers, is that right?
Dad: They’re EIGHT YEARS OLD!
Brianne: So I’ll make it a double then, don’t get your dick in a knot.
(Meanwhile, Tom takes the lead at another table)
Tom: Um, guys, I think you missed Panda Express - this is Chili’s.
Frank: Hey man - that’s not cool.
Tom: No seriously, we don’t serve noodles here - it’s American food - but I guess you couldn’t see the sign because of your condition.
Corey: What condition?
Tom: Aren’t Asians supposed to be good at math and stuff? Your eyes idiot - they’re closed!
Frank: Fuck you man!
Tom: Fuck you very much right back my good man - now please order, I have a woman ripe and ready in the back.
Corey: What kind of fucking place is this? Get me the manager!
Tom: Not gonna work today Chang - now if your order real nice I won’t shit in your food, I’ll just piss in it.
Frank: Fuck this, we’re leaving!
Tom: Good. Get the FUCK OUT!
(The restaurant is filling and emptying just as quickly as the other due to the antics of the staff. The rumors seem to be getting out - by 5PM there isn’t a soul in the place. But it’s the end of the workday and there’ll be some suits coming around to have dinner after a long day’s work at the office)
Brianne: Hello sir, welcome to Chili’s - have a seat.
Timmy: Thank you miss.
Brianne: Whoops, seems like I left a big puddle of bile on the seat for you to sit in.
Timmy: Huh?
Brianne: I said you just sat in a puddle of acidic human bile.
Timmy: Why would you do that? What kind of place does that to a human being?
Brianne: Easy there, I think we got off on the wrong foot. My name is Brianne. What’s yours?
Timmy: Timmy Palushka - nice to meet…
Brianne: Hahaha a Polack - didn’t they pass a law declaring your kind incompetent?
Timmy: Ma’am, I just got out of a horrible job interview with the worst people I’ve ever met. I just want a burger and some water and I’ll leave. Can you do that for me?
Brianne: Tom, get over here, we got a Polack!
Tom: Awesome! Hey, Brianne, let’s have him bob for apples in the deep fryer - I bet he’s dumb enough to do that!
Brianne: Hey Tom, what do you call an elephant wearing a tutu?
Tom: Um, the stupidest fucking thing on the planet?
Brianne: WRONG. The second most stupidest thing on the fucking planet compared to a Polack!
Tom and Brianne: I FUCKING LOVE NO LYING DAY!!!!
Timmy: Oh god…
Brianne: What? Did you go poo poo in your Depends? Out with it invalid!
Timmy: It’s…It’s HIM.
Brianne and Tom: Who?!
(The doors open)
Boss Ruth: Waitress!! I’ll have the ribs and a blowjob, CONCURRENTLY!
Tom: Who the fuck is this guy?
Boss Ruth: I’m the guy who’s going to turn your legs into stumps if you don’t get that hot piece of ass over here RIGHT NOW.
Tom: Brianne, he’s all yours…
Brianne: Fine - Tom, get this Polish piece of shit some cabbage and a piece of wood to gnaw on while I deal with Mr. Ruth here.
Brianne: So, would you like one fist or two?
Ruth: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your bountiful tits.
Brianne: Do you want one or two of my fists up your ass so I can rip your pancreas out?
Ruth: You are one kinky bitch - you keep talking like that and you’re going to have to mop my mess off the floor! I do have to say you’re quite a tenacious cunt of a waitress for a Chili’s - is there something going on with your life you need ol Boss Ruth here to quell?
Brianne: Let’s just say I’m not making any lies today - it’s a company policy for today.
Ruth: HOLY JEE-ZUS - You gotta be kidding me! I have never been this hard and I know that’s the truth, because guess what - MY COMPANY HAS NO LYING DAY TODAY TOO! WE HAD A BLAST! I’VE NEVER FELT BETTER!
Brianne: Holy Shit - this is incredible - now what the fuck do you want - make it quick because I need to keep checking on this Polish asshole over there. I’m afraid he’s going to have the squirts and ruin the floors.
Ruth: Ok, ok I’ll have the…
Ruth: …Wait a fucktick, did you say Polack??!! TIMMY! IT’S YOU!!
Timmy: Fuck.
Ruth: Mind if I sit here?!
Timmy: Actually…
Ruth: Can it. HOLY SHIT WHAT A DAY! I COULD FUCK A WALRUS I’M SO EXCITED! How about you Timmy? Have you changed your mind? DO YOU WANT TO WORK FOR DATASYNCCORPS?
Timmy: No, I came here to have a quiet dinner away from your madness.
Ruth: Careful Timmy, you shouldn’t use big words like “quiet” and “madness”, it’ll hurt that pathetic excuse for a brain.
Brianne: Alright, here’s your fucking ribs Ruth, and Timmy…
Timmy: Where’s my meal?
Brianne: Where did I put that meal? Oh yeah, that’s right, I threw it in the fucking trash. Now if you want it, I think it’s still warm, right next to the half-eaten onion rings.
Timmy: I need to go to the bathroom. (goes to the bathroom)
Ruth: Alright Timmy, and remember don’t drink the toilet water! Whoa, who the fuck is that?
Jack: THAT’S IT! I’VE HAD IT! I FINALLY BROKE OUT OF THE FUCKING CLOSET AFTER A DAY’S WORTH OF LIVING HELL!
Brianne: Uh oh, daddy’s mad! Hahaha.
Jack: This has gone far enough - someone is going to pay for all this shit!
Tom: I think you’re forgetting the part about you murdering two busboys while high as Jesus.
Jack: FUCK YOU. How am I going to get out of this!?
Brianne: That’s easy - find a scapegoat.
Jack: Put the entire blame on an innocent person? How the hell would that work? You’d have to find someone really, really, stupid not to fight back…
Brianne: Yeah - they’d have to be the stupidest type on Earth I’d imagine.
Tom: Who even if they knew they were innocent couldn’t talk their way out of it…
Ruth: Guys, the day is almost over, and that means going back to a life with lying involved. Shit eating grins for your boss, holding back violence of Biblical proportions, and most of all, not treating people like the biggest wastes of life imaginable.
Brianne: So?
Ruth: I have just the guy for you.
(Timmy sits back down)
Timmy: Why is everyone looking at me?
Jack: BINGO.
Brianne (on phone): Yes, officer? I’d like to report two murders, yes, it’s him and he’s the Polish man at the restaurant, you can’t miss him, he looks like a fucking idiot….
Ruth: THIS DAY CANNOT GET ANY BETTER!!!!
